Pass me the Pink Panther, Yo: The DEA Just Updated Its List of Weed Slang

Hoo boy. The DEA just released its yearly update to the official list of “Drug Slang Code Words,” an essential resource for intrepid officers of the law looking to root out drugs in their communities. It is, to put it lightly, a doozy.

“It is designed as a ready reference for law enforcement personnel who are confronted with hundreds of slang terms and code words used to identify a wide variety of controlled substances, designer drugs, synthetic compounds, measurements, locations, weapons, and other miscellaneous terms relevant to the drug trade,” the DEA’s website says. Unfortunately, the list of drug slang is so hopelessly out of touch that the only people it’s really serving are those who want a good laugh. So, cannabis lovers, probably?

“Although every effort was made to ensure the accuracy and completeness of the information presented, due to the dynamics of the ever-changing drug scene, subsequent additions, deletions, and corrections are inevitable,” the DEA warns, completely ignoring the fact that they already made it as inaccurate as humanly possible. Seriously, is there anyone who refers to weed as “Pink Panther” in casual conversation? Or “Smoochy Woochy Poochy” or “shrimp” or “shoes,” for that matter?

The drug slang document is a shocking 125 pages long, but it does include all other illicit drugs that the DEA deals with. Still, the cannabis section is pretty enormous. Half of their supposed drug slang is just strain names, with many of them labeled as “hydroponic” in parentheses. Nevermind that you can grow your Skywalker, Animal Cookies, or Girl Scout Cookies in soil just as well.

Looking at it generously, one could assume the authors of this drug slang compendium intended it to prepare agents for any terms that might be used in connection with cannabis, not as actual code words for cannabis itself. For example, you probably wouldn’t ask a friend if they have any ‘Alice B. Toklas,’ but if you’re discussing how big of an Alice B. Toklas fan you are, you might be harboring evil, evil thoughts about baking the pot brownies she made famous.

Even being generous, though, it’s hard to imagine someone slyly whispering to a friend that they’re going to be “mowing the lawn” later as drug slang for getting high. If anyone ever does try to slip that into conversation, at least now you’ll know they’re definitely a cop. It’s almost enough to make you feel bad for the poor bastards who are going to be dressing up in cargo shorts, Bob Marley shirts, and wraparound shades to roam college campuses asking freshmen if they have any “love nuggets.” Almost…